A JOURNEY TO ME
“Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”
St. Francis of Assisi
I would not describe myself as a “world traveler”, but I have had the opportunity to visit different countries, observe other cultures and experience natural wonders outside of my home country, Belize. However, of all the places I have travelled to, all the knowledge I have gained, all the people I have met and all the wonderful things I have seen, my most recent journey to explore, define and embrace my spirituality has been the most impactful, amazing, eye opening and awesome journey yet.
I find the human brain to be very pliable, and I often allow it to tell me that I am who, where and what I am meant to be. I have developed a resistance to making changes because at times I find it difficult and uncomfortable doing so. Often, it is easier to carry on through life without accepting challenges or exploring other options. I have become tolerant to situations rendering change unnecessary. I had adapted a mode of complacency, going through life in a somewhat “smug existence” satisfied that I was living the life I was meant to be living. While nothingseemed really missing, nothing really had a “wow” factor either. I have a meaningful job, my family unit seems intact, my financial obligations are being met adequately, and I am in relatively good health. Asking or expecting more seemed “ungrateful”. I don’t think I even thought there might be “more”. But God had another agenda for me.
Jeremiah 29:11-14: For I know well the plans I have in mind for you…plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope
One Sunday at mass, a lady invited me to a Christ Renews His Parish retreat and for some reason I chose to accept her invitation. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I probably thought I would find a way out later. Luckily I attended that retreat which awoke such a curiosity within me, driving me to explore my spirituality and ultimately bringing me to a place where I had to face not only myself but my God as well. Although God has always been a part of my life, for a period our relationship, at least in my mind, was a somewhat “tough love” relationship. He was the ultimate disciplinarian, fierce, demanding and jealous. I, on the other hand was most undeserving in many ways. So, knowing and accepting these things about myself, I would pray to Jesus, Mary and the saints while I tipped toed around God. Over the course of time and after facing numerous life altering and heartbreaking losses, I was finally able to reach out directly to God, albeit usually in times of dire need. Our relationship improved but was still “distant” in some ways. Now, here I was, no detour path available or even appealing, propelling forward into a storm of new emotions, feeling and seeing things with such vivid clarity one day, and battling with my faith, my beliefs, society’s expectations and my fears the next, yet unable to stop or turn back. I recognized the need for something deeper. The initial “taste” was just so addictive.
On October 20th, 2018, I started the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola. I had no idea what to expect but it just felt as if it was something that I really needed to do, and it was. Was it easy? No!! It was seven months of breaking bad habits, adapting new mindsets, praying, crying, listening, fighting with God, and struggling to understand and accept the ways of God. I began to learn how to surrender to his will, to forgive, to love myself, and essentially to love as God loves. Was it worth it? Yes!! I have gained such spiritual growth and maturity, a compassionate and forgiving heart, spiritual awareness, new understanding and a new appreciation for the term “unconditional love” but most of all peace, the peace of the risen Christ which is the true joy in my life.
I can see the positive changes in myself. The funny thing is, I don’t even remember when I first recognized them. But that is another amazing thing about receiving God’s graces. It is gradual, light and natural. It comes on slowly and merges seamlessly into your life bringing with it a sense of happiness that cannot be contained and spills over in so many ways. I love to laugh and sing and everyone can tell when I am happy. But lately, I see things that touch my heart in ways they never did before. I cry, but not because I am sad. I cry because the experience is so awesome and beautiful that I am actually moved to tears. Now, I cannot tell you which promotes more feelings of gratitude; the times when my laughter spills over and I can’t hold it in, so it just spreads around or the quiet moments when I am so filled with inner peace and joy that I just want to whisper so as not to break the moment.
Recently the phrase “totally dependent on God” has been like a never ending mantra in my head. The first time I heard it, the self-dependent, control freak in me protested loudly. All my life, I have strived to do things my way and usually on my own. Relying on others mostly ended in disappointment. God gave me everything I needed to make a good life so “depending” on him just did not sit right with me. How many times was I told “God helps those who help themselves”? All my little hopes and dreams and especially the problems which I created by making bad choices, were my responsibility. Why would I want to put God into all this mess? But that was just me seeing things with my human eyes; me loving only as this world has taught me to love. I prayed for the graces “to know God as a loving Creator” and “to know myself as a creature loved by God”, and through these granted graces I am beginning to understand the divine definition of “unconditional love”. I needed to break the habits that life has taught me. The habit and belief that I am the mistress of my fate. I now live life with different goals. I live not to achieve or conquer or accomplish but to receive, accept and surrender; being totally dependent on God; knowing that he is the answer. It is hard to un-learn something, but learning to love myself the way God loves me is the ultimate gift from God to me and paying it forward to others is my token gift to God.
As I journeyed along, I looked back over my life and the choices I had made. I contemplated the issue of “freedom of choice” and I realized that majority of my choices were not “consciously made” but more led by my emotions. How do we know we are sad if we have never been happy? How do we know we are in the dark if we have never walked in the light? I used to wonder: if God created everything and everything that God created is good, why would He create within us the potential to commit sin? Why didn’t He create us just the way He wanted us to be? But God doesn’t want robots. He created us with the ability to think and reason. He wants us to choose the right path. He wants us to choose Him. The existence of sin and evil is not necessarily bad. The conscious choice to choose sin and evil is. It makes sense now. God gave us everything along with freedom of choice and a manual (His Word) to live by. What we choose to do with it is truly up to us. It should make sense to choose God, to choose lasting peace, to say yes to the things in life that remain constant. God’s unconditional love doesn’t change. God’s desire for our happiness and wellbeing never changes, but our circumstances and emotions do. There were so many things that I didn’t understand, so many things I got wrong and so many things I took for granted. However, as myconnection to God deepened and as I drew closer to Him, I could feel just how close He was to me. The feeling was not new but just more intense, leading me to believe that on some level I always knew that He loved me and walked constantly with me. I think my bad choices and feelings of guilt and shame left me feeling so unworthy that it was easier to keep my distance and try to muddle through life on my own. I can now own my irresponsible and destructive behavior. I can admit that I made poor choices, but I know that I am on the right path now. It will not always be easy and some days I will want to stop but through my surrender to and dependency on God, I will go on. Sometimes I think that my cross is too heavy, then I remember that this cross I carry is the same one I carved out with the choices I made in the past, so I carry on in peace and good spirit, knowing that I do not walk alone. The journey does not end here. There is so much more I need to explore but it was truly a blessing to travel back to me and in the process re-discover my connection to God. I am truly a beloved child of God!
Too wise to want to be young again
